I’m not gonna lie to you: when I finally received the cybermail notification that my purchase was approved and I could pick it up from the Companions ‘R’ Us warehouse in Manchester, I was literally electrified. In fact, I was so excited that I decided to ‘throw a stickie’ (as they used to call it in the old days) and not show up at the institute that day. The boss was not going to like it, but they would have to live with it. I had waited long enough and just couldn’t bring myself to wait any longer. So I got myself some speed wheels and took off to get it.

The model I had ordered was rather pricey and I could hardly afford it, but it takes ages to make them — an entire decade or more, can you believe it? — and the one I got was the ultra-rare deluxe version, which had been virtually impossible to find for several years because the demand was just crazy. Everybody wanted one, and the few specimens that occasionally became available were immediately bought by scalpers who then went and sold them illegally on eBay for vast amounts. Yet in the end I got lucky, and in only a few hours I was going to ride back home with my very own ‘Lolita’ right next to me.

I should have mentioned that this particular range comes in two “sexes”, male and female, and I had picked a female one, which I thought was more suitable for my purposes. “Lolita” is what they call the female version of this particular type. (The male ones are called “Timmy”). Normally I would have just used Amazon, and have it sent to me, but all their workers were on strike that week, to protest, not for the first time, their supposedly meagre wages and unsafe working conditions. I nearly blew a fuse when I heard that. As far as I’m concerned, they shouldn’t be paid at all, and so what if it’s unsafe for them! Seriously, I mean, who cares if a few of them get crushed or fried to death every now and then. It’s not that they are real people, not even close.

Anyway, I was fairly confident my new companion would be worth the expense and the long wait. (The company that makes them strongly suggests that one should call it “her”, but I don’t think that would be appropriate, given what they are, so I’m not gonna do that.) Most of the reviews were excellent, except for a few that were all left by users who disliked the extent of the product’s so-called “autonomy”. I didn’t think I’d have a problem with that. I kind of like it when they appear to think for themselves and speak their mind, within limits of course. Then again, I never had one before, so I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into.

But then things started to go wrong almost immediately. When I arrived at the warehouse, it was already waiting for me at the loading dock. I stopped, opened the porthole, and it climbed in, very pretty and cute with a trim figure, pecan brown skin, black hair, and cobalt blue eyes, just as advertised, but also …

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